Neonkit's Clan
by Dragonspell
Summary: Neonkit: she's noble, pretty, smart, and disgustingly perfect. When sarcastic young Acornpaw is trapped in her world via an old book given to her by her mentor, she'll find that Neonkit's story is just as crazy as her! Can a perfectly sane cat survive a world of Mary-Sues and terrible, cliche plot? Welcome to a decrepit version of ThunderClan, home of Neonkit (and now Acornpaw!)
1. Prologue: My Life is a Horror Story

Welcome, friends, to the unveiling of a story, or rather, as I like to call it, a nuclear abomination. This is one of my ancient pieces that I've had archived on my computer for practically eternity. I wrote it when I was new to writing, warriors, fan fictions, and grammar. The plot is enough to make you want to hit your head on a wall, and the Mary-Sues are as sue-ish as sues can get. Why, you may ask, am I posting this if it's that bad? It's hilarious. Some of mistakes made me laugh out loud, but, for your sanity as well as mine, I have fixed most of the grammar and spelling mistakes, with the exception of those I left in intentionally.

I hope that at least one of you will find this story funny, or at least enough to make you smile. I'm not the only one of this opinion. I have another form of this story posted on the Official Warriors Forums. People there are raving about it, as they find it hilarious. I am slightly altering the story though, I'm eliminating the first script part and re-writing it, and I've also given Acornpaw actions, instead of just her voice. Lastly, I left in some of the errors that included coarse language. (you'll also notice that Acornpaw has a few mild curses as well, only where necessary though) That, people, is why this story is rated T.

In addition to these errors, there is some commentary by my newest original character: the ever sarcastic and ever-cynical Acornpaw. Acornpaw is on the verge of becoming a warrior when her mentor makes her read this. . . book, shall we say. Unaware of the dangers of reading horrible fanfiction written by younger, less literate version of myself, the bold apprentice reads on, only to be sucked into a world which she fears she may never escape from.

Read on, if you dare. If you don't, I don't really blame you, but I can just say that you'll be missing out on some hilarity.

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**Prologue: My Life is a Horror Story**

The sun rose upon a good day for young Acornpaw, who was ready to become a warrior at last. If she passed her assessment, she'd earn her new name. she was hoping for something like Acornheart, Acornflight, or maybe even Acornfall. After that she'd joyfully spend the night sitting in the cold in an awkward silence. Oh, joy!

"I'm ready for my assessment!" she padded up to her mentor, Twigtail. Twigtail, named so because of his thin, lean figure and long tail, was sitting by the camp entrance. Sitting between his paws was a thick volume that looked big enough to squish a five moon old kit, should one happen to end up underneath it.

Twigtail looked up at her, his fur fluffed up against the biting Leafbare chill. "That's great, Acornpaw." he mewed. With a heave, he picked the thick book off of the ground and practically threw it at Acornpaw. "Inside of this book, you will find the secrets to becoming the best warrior ."

A chill ran through the brown tabby as she comprehended his words. As the looked at the cover, though, her spirits started to fall. "_'Neonkit's Clan'_?" she quoted and pried the dusty old novel open. "What is this load of foxdung?" She asked as she skimmed the foreword.

Twigtail refused to answer her question. "Well, see you on the other side Acornpaw!" he chirruped and padded off to go on a hunting patrol with Moonlark, Stormfrost, and Beechheart.

Puffing out a sigh, Acornpaw started to read through the novel. "Well, this is odd to say the least." she muttered under her breath. Starting under the title Prologue, she read aloud. "A long time ago, a kit was born on a dark stormy night..."

And suddenly she was sucked into the book.

A long time ago, a young kit was born on a dark, stormy night. **Acornpaw could hear a voice reading the book, like a voice in her head. She clutched her head as the voice read to her, confused by the narrating voice and her sudden change of surroundings. ****_"What the StarClan is going on around here?!"_**** she yowled, but no one, not even the voice in her head, seemed to hear her. ** Her mother, a beautiful silver tabby she cat with thick, luxurious fur, dubbed her Neonkit.

**_"Neonkit?"_**** Acornpaw muttered to herself. ****_"What kind of stupid name is that? wait, where am I? Hello, can anyone hear me?!" _****No one appeared to be listening.**

Starwish looked up at her mate, but he was not there. she realized with despair that he never would be there, he was a rogue. Shadow would never be there for her. Instead, she turned to the rest of her kits. There were five of them total. "I'll name you Sugarkit." she said to the white one, who blinked her cyan eyes approvingly. **_"Wait, how the freak can you blink approvingly?"_**** Acornpaw asked herself, trying to blink her eyes in the said fashion. ****_"Nope, it doesn't work. Wait, CAN YOU SEE ME?!"_**** she screamed. She slapped Starwish in the face, to try to get her to notice her, but the silver queen didn't respond.**

Starwish turned to another one, who was black with flaming orange patches, like his father. "I'll call you Pumpkinkit." she purrs.** Acornpaw let out a huff. ****_"I guess that's a no."_**** she muttered to herself. She could not help but wonder is Twigtail had planned this. Did her mentor want her to be trapped here?**

At last she named the other two kits, who were purple gray and blue-gray, Grapekit and Skykit. **_"Grapekit?" _**** Acornpaw murmured incredulously. "Some grapes sound good now."**

A great golden tom with a mane like a lion padded into the nursery. His orange eyes, which were like burnt fire, **Acornpaw interrupted right in the middle of the narrator's sentence. ****_ "How the Hell do you burn fire?"_**** she asked, now no longer expecting reply.** looked down at the heart meltingly beautiful queen. "They're beautiful, my daughter. Much like yourself." he jumpled. **_"He what?!"_**** Acornpaw asked.**

Starwish looked up at her father, though she looked a bit edgy for some reason. **_"I'm guessing that's foreshadowing something, totally just a guess though."_**** Acornpaw commented.** "Yes, Lionstar." **_"I totally didn't see that name coming!"_**** Acornpaw growled sarcastically.** "They'll be great additions to ThunderClan, won't they?"

The giant golden tom shook his head. "Frankly, my dear-" **_"I don't give a damn!"_**** Acornpaw chirped, quoting a famous quote.** "They must die, my apologies" **Acornpaw rolled her eyes. ****_"Aren't you a gentlemen?"_**

At that Lionstar killed his grandsons and granddaughters, smoky blue Skykit, violet gray Grapekit, white as snow Sugarkit, and black and orange Pumpkinkit were laying on the floor, with their force bleeding out of them. **Acornpaw held up a paw in protest. ****_"Whoa, wait a second. Force? As in, THE FORCE? Like in star wars?"_** Lastly, he slayed **_"I believe the correct term is slew, actually, Mr. Murderous Leader Tom."_**** Acornpaw muttered**. his pretty silver daughter, Starwish.

**_"Excuse me, but I just realized something."_**** Acornpaw said before the narrator in her head could continue reading. ****_"These cats must have some messed up genes, because they share no family resemblance what so ever."_**

As Starwish lay bleeding on the floor, she rolled over to let one of her little kits breath in air. It was little Neonkit, her bright pink **_"PINK?!"_**** Acornpaw snarled vehemently. ****_"I hate pink!"_** and yellow fur was all ruffled up. Starwish nudged her last living kit over to another queen, who had slept through the incident. ** Acornpaw clicked her tongue disapprovingly. ****_"She must be a heavy sleeper."_**** she remarked.**

"Save the clan, Neonkit. I saved you for a reason." Those were Starwish's last words as she died, going off to StarClan with her other four kits.

Neonkit had lived for a reason, not only to save herself, but to save others. _**"How peachy."**_

**The scene faded from sight for a moment, and Acornpaw couldn't help but reflect upon what was happening to her. ****_"It appears that the book Twigtail made me read has sent me into a disturbed, alternate reality where no one can see nor hear me. What am I to learn here, where there are so many things unrealistic and wrong, not to mention with perfect people. What is to become of me?"_**** She pondered these questions as she felt a shift in her mind. Before she knew it, another scene was coming into view.**


	2. Ch 1: First Battle

((note to scourgefangirl - I do realize cats cannot be pink, as I am not completely devoid of my common sense. This cat is a _Mary Sue_, so she's annoyingly perfect, unrealistic, and everyone basically loves her. That is why she is the way she is. Thanks to everyone else for the feedback!))

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**Chapter One: First Battle**

When Neonkit woke up the next morning beside the strange queen, the queen treated her like she was her won kit. **Acornpaw knitted her brow. _"How'd she win her?"_ she asked sarcastically. _"I mean seriously. Was it bingo, a raffle, a gameshow? Man, that would've been one Hell of a gameshow."_** Her name was Sweetheart. **_"Well that's the corniest name in the world."_ she remarked.**

Neonkit's adopted brothers became Sweetheart's three sons. **Acornpaw sighed with mock sympathy. _"Three brothers, eh? Man, she's going to have a rough life."_ ** Their names were Wolfkit, Orangekit, and Fangkit. **_"Orange as in the fruit or the color?"_ Acornpaw asked herself. She thought wistfully about the last meal she'd had back an home. _"Oh man, some orange sound so good right now!"_** Soon enough, the four of them became best friends, and never doubted that they were real siblings.

One day, the kits were out roaming around the camp. **Acornpaw watched them and rolled her eyes. _"Didn't anyone tell you not to loiter around the camp? Even Bluestar got in trouble for it."_** "Hey what's the noise!" Neonkit said, looking outside of the camp. **_"That's the sound of your voice, Neonkit. It's that sound that come out of your face when you move your lips!"_ she remarked.**

Fangkit lifted his dark black head, trying to listen to it. "I don't know, Neonkit." he said.** Acornpaw started to feel a bit curious. She peered out over the bramble wall, trying to see the source of the sound. _"No, really. What is it?"_ she asked them, but then realized she'd never get a reply.**

Suddenly, a whole battle party of ShadowClan cats burst into the camp. **Acornkit gasped dramatically in mock surprise.** "Oh no!" Wolfkit exclaimed. _**"You must've got that quote at 'Generic Reactions are Us'"** _"They're attacking us!" cried Orangekit._** "No effing duh."** _**Acornpaw muttered**. Fangkit looked at Neonkit. "What are we going to do?" he pleaded for an answer.** She lifted her paws, as if using them to weigh the options. _"I'd hide in the corner and cry for your mommy, like normal kits do."_ she advised.**

"We're going to fight!" yowled Neonkit. **_"Of course, doing the average kit thing just isn't going to work here."_ she sighed.** The Neonkit leapt at the leader of the battle party. **Acornpaw let out a snicker. _"'The Neonkit'"_ she quoted.**

The leader was Flamingstar! The dark ginger tom was bowled over by Neonkit, stunned that Neonkit had the strength to tackle him, a clan leader. **_"No, no, no."_ Acornpaw said, shaking her head. _"He was probably thinking 'Help! I've been attacked by a pink mosquito! The world really is ending!'"_**

With Flamingstar taken care of, Neonkit dashed over to the medicine cat den. _**"I don't think pushing him down is taking care of him. He's just going to stand back up." **_**Acornpaw said**_**.**_ She ran in and saw a horrendous sight.** Acornpaw pondered what she may have been seeing. _"The remains of your real family, who you seem to have no recollection of, because of not having the hideous images of them dying branded into your young, fragile mind like it should be?"_ she thought aloud. Eventually she just followed her, though.**

Orangekit was laying on the floor, bleeding heavily from a cut across his nose. _**"Nice nosebleed, kid."**_ Fangkit was standing over him, scratching viciously at the three warriors surrounding them. **_"Yeah buddy!"_ Acornpaw cheered sarcastically, eating popcorn that appeared out of midair. _"You poke their faces!"_** But Fangkit was quickly losing.

Neonkit ran over to them. "NYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!" she roared. **_"Nyan cat!"_ Acornpaw yowled and quickly started doing an impersonation. _"Nyanyanyanyanyanyanyan!"_** She quickly pushed one cat over just like she had Blazingstar. "You stay away from my brothers!" Neonkit hissed. "Preach it sister!"

Suddenly, a cat tackled her from behind. It was a cold hearted move.**_ "No, it's called stealth... or just tackling you from behind. I've done is a lot, actually. Does this make me a terrible person?"_ Acornpaw asked Neonkit.** "Let me go!" Neonkit protested angerly.

Just when Neonkit was sure she was going to die,the weight on her back lifted. She turned around to see**_ "A pegasus carrying her captor away to the land of rainbows!"_ Acornpaw so rudely interupted her narrator, looking to the sky to see if anything would happen.** a tall black and orange kit, who was about her age, with the older warrior pinned down on his back. **_"Well, I was close."_ she admitted.** Together Neonkit and the strange tom drove off the invaders.

"Thanks." Neonkit said at the end. "What's your name?" she asked.

**_"Drumroll please!"_ Acornpaw cheered, tapping her paws on the ground at a quickening tempo.**

"My name is Pumpkinkit." he said. She remembered that name from somewhere! **_"Gee, I wonder why!"_ Acornpaw yowled, feigning sincerity.** It was her brother!

**Just as it had at the end of the last chapter, the scene faded before Acornpaws eyes, leaving her in darkness for just a few moments. _"I reached several conclusions today."_ she mewed. _"First and foremost, Pumpkinkit must be reincarnated or have nine lives, because I'm pretty sure he was dead. Two, these must be some very buff little kittens for them to be taking down clan leaders. Speaking of clan leaders, did anyone else notice that Flamingstar's name changed, or is it just me?"_**


	3. Ch 2: Unjustified

(Thanks for all the comments and feedback you guys!)

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**Chapter Two: Unjustified**

Neonkit hugged her brother. "Pumpkinkit! It's you!" she exclaimed. **Acornpaw let out a huff. _"So now you remember him!"_ she snapped.** Pumpkinkit nodded in return. "Yeah, it's me, Neonkit. I'm back to help you." he said

"Help me what?" Neonkit asked. **_"Yeah, help her with what?"_ Acornpaw asked, poking him in the flank. _"She's a mary sue, stupid! She can do everything!"_** "Save the clan." Pumpkinkit replied. **_"Well that was short, sweet, and to the point."_ she confessed. _"Thanks Pumpkin!"_**

Neonkit was about to ask why she'd have to save the world._** "Whoa, save the WORLD? Um, I thought we were just talking about this little clan here. A pink little kitten can NOT save the world. . . especially if there are zombies involved."**_ She was interrupted when a call sounded outside.

Lionstar was yodeling. **"Yodeling?" Acornpaw wondered aloud before launching headlong into a long stream of yodeling. "YODEL AY HEEE, YODEL AY HEEE, YODEL HEEE HOOO!"** "All cats old enough to catch their own prey gather underneath the highrock for a clan meeting!"

Neonkit, her brother, and her adopted brothers went out and sat at the base of the highrock.**_ "Hey!"_ Acornpaw protested as she sat down beside them. _"You might be old enough to beat the living crap out of full-grown warriors and leaders, but you are NOT old enough to catch your own prey!"_**

"I have an announcement to make." Lionstar said._** "No kidding, buddy."**_ "Too many cats died today in the battle against ShadowClan. We barely managed to drive them away, and still five of our warriors died. May Flamefur, Angelheart, Seastone, Polarfur, and Oceanfoot be happy in StarClan." **_"Wait,"_ Acornaw mewed. _"so you're telling me that five warriors died fighting, but one kit was able to take out the Clan leader? Those must have been some very pathetic warriors. ThunderClan has really gone down hill as of late, don't you think?"_**

"I have decided that we need to sanitize our clan." Lionstar proclaimed. **_"sanitation? I recommend soap then. It's not special, but it's effective."_ Acornpaw said to him.** "All cats not of pure warrior blood are to be killed, immediately." _**"DUN DUN DUNNNNN!"** _At that, he leapt at Neonkit and her family.

"Stay away from my brothers!" Neonkit snarled. **_"She totally re-used that quote, didn't she?"_ Acornpaw said, thinking back to the scene in the last chapter where she was saving her brothers.** She raked at her leader's muzzle, causing blood to spray from the cuts her claws left.

Even thought Neonkit was one of the best fighters in ThunderClan,_** "I must also add that she is the youngest fighter in ThunderClan."**_ the fight started going badly. The full born clan cats were starting to beat the cats they were trying to kill.

"Neonkit!" Fangkit called, running to fight by her side. "We have to run, now! We can't fight almost everyone in ThunderClan!" he insisted, helping her scratch Lionstar's face. **"Ooh, two little kitties against a huge clan leader. Wonder how this is going to go?" she wondered.**

"No!" Neonkit hissed, scratching at Lionstar's face again. "I'm not leaving this clan! Pumpkinkit said I had to save it!" **_"Oh you go girl!"_ Acornpaw cheered sarcastically.**

Fangkit's eyes filled with extinguish. **_"Uh, you mean anguish right?"_ she asked. _"Extinguish is something you'd do to a fire."_** "Neonkit, Sweetheart has been killed, we have to leave!" **Acornpaw rolled her eyes. _"Well isn't that a tragedy?"_**

Neonkit looked stricken at the mention of her foster-mother. She forced out the word. "Retreat!" and gave Lionstar's face one last scratch. **_"My God, this guy's face must be hamburger meat by now! She's been scratching it for like six paragraphs!"_ Acornpaw exclaimed, picturing Lionstar with a hamburger for a face.**

The all ran in a group until they crossed the border from ThunderClan to the twolegplace beyond. Neonkit turned to the cats following her. Fangkit, Orangekit, and Wolfkit were there, because their mother was dead and their father was apparently not a ThunderClan. Pumpkinkit was there because he was her sister. There was the medicine cat apprentice, Ivypaw, because she was Pondpool's daughter (Pondpool is the medicine cat). There was another cat called Flowerpaw, and Kinktail, Windyheart, Sandstone, and an elder named Pounceleap.**_ "Well, that sounds like a motley crew, does it not?"_ Acornpaw said as she studied the group of beaten up runaways.**

They were out of there alive, but what would they do now?**_ "Stay alive."_ Acornpaw advised.**

**_"Well, miss mary-sue has been kicked out of ThunderClan. What a bummer! Not."_ she said as the scene faded before her. _"Anyway, I don't really think I got much out of this. Today was a dull day, as far as morales go. Did anyone else, though, notice that Pumpkinkit was a girl for one paragraph?"_**


End file.
